Reviews Rant

**kicking this out the door because it took too much of my night for me to not hit publish, despite it’s weird transformation from an intro to the ruin reviews category to a rant about how i don’t find reviews useful? ah well. got to promote some critiques i like.**

I understand there are individuals who spend much of their time writing masterful previews, and post them to their websites and other platforms online. Popular opinion tells me reviews are for the potential consumer. I agree with the statement, in spirit, but the reality is foggier than we care to admit.

Previews are shoveled copy, glorified copy, from people who received free copies or otherwise have a personal or professional connection to the author. (Wait ‘til he hears about blurbs!)

I can complain goodreads reviews suck, and you as a reviewer can – rightly – say what I’m reading is far from an actual review. But these are what’s available to me or the average person when we’re thinking over a purchase offline or online.

Popular opinion is that spoilers are bad. Again, I’ll agree with the spirit. Problem is: spoilers require context, or they’re not spoilers.

I can tell you a dog dies in I Am Legend, but that won’t prepare you for the gut punch. SpOiLeR wArNiNg it’s the best example of Shoot The Dog I’ve ever witnessed, and truth be told, I don’t care to see a better one because I’ll need those tears when a loved one eventually dies.

The proof is in the pudding, er, the proof is in the execution. *Something Happens* could only pique my interest. Relating to other media in other mediums can only demonstrate your eye for art.

Consider this a critique of reviews. I don’t like what I see and I have an idea about how to express my thoughts on the media I consume. It’s going to be amateur; It’s going to referential; It’s going to be what I wish I saw as the top review somewhere.


If you’ve read this far, yes, I understand I’ve complained about reviews like a big dumb. When the mood strikes I write playful ire directed at whatever. Reviews, or previews, are fine. They are a necessary evil and I deeply appreciate anyone who bothers to write one.

Obviously I prefer critique over reviews for purchase decisions and the post coital dysphoria-like feel after I finish a book/show/movie/game.

Here are three of my favorite critiques.

DigiBro – The Asterisk War
Explanation Point – Sword Art Online Abridged
Folding Ideas – Suicide Squad

Those blank 5⭐-putting people? I’m watching them with both eyes. Somethin’s wrong with them folk.